Dear Lynn,
I have been in a relationship for five years. Over the past year, my boyfriend has been gaining weight. For a little while, we were running daily and eating right. But increasingly, no matter how much I make sweet suggestions or flat out nag him, there is nothing I can do to help him get back on track. We’ve had many arguments about weight. My main point is that I feel like there is no reason for me to stay in shape for him if he doesn’t look good for me. I know I should look healthy for my own well-being, but he is making it much harder on me, like when he eats fast food during the work week. I’ve given him tons of advice on eating right, but the more I try to help, the worse it gets! My attraction to him is fading. Thank you for any help you can provide.
— In desperate need of answers
Dear Desperate,
I totally understand why you’re upset. You want your partner to be healthy. You want your partner to want to be healthy. And — let’s face it — you want your partner to look good.
But one reason he’s gaining weight and you’re not, I think, is that you are spending so much — too much — energy trying to get him to change. That, sister, can burn a lot of calories. That’s the good news. The bad news is, it doesn’t seem to be working. He’s not losing weight.
I hate to say it, but arguing, nagging, and giving “advice” and trying to get him to “improve” (not to mention blaming him for making it hard for you) is probably backfiring, making him feel bad instead of motivating him to feel good. (Side note: Is he depressed? Consider it; perhaps it explains the weight gain and lethargy. Or is some other issue at work? Maybe counseling could help.)
This approach doesn’t mean you have to be passive here. You can be an active participant in his wellness without being his personal trainer. He wants to eat at Trans Fat Wagon? Fine. You get to pick next time. You’re going running? Great. Invite him to join you; take no for an answer. Buy a cookbook or subscribe to a magazine with easy and quick healthy recipes; get the junk out of the house and start cooking together. Back off, and I bet he’ll step up. This is not just about reverse psychology. I bet your relationship will shed the weight of pressure and judgment and impending doom. Without the pressure, he may (or may not) start to lose weight.
If he doesn’t, you can’t magically make your attraction come back, but try it. Seeing him for who he is, at however many pounds, and what he brings to the relationship may be the sustenance you need for the long haul. It’ll be your call then; whichever way it goes, you’ll know that you’ve put in good effort to make it work.
